Saturday, January 21, 2006

The three worst movies I have ever seen

I realize that the title of this post can be a little misleading. How many movies have I seen? Could this really be a fair sampling of what is out there. Out of the top 100 rentals at Rogers Video in 2005 I have seen 70. I know some people have seen more but I think that 70% is enough to make this valid.

What do I mean by worst movies? The worst movies are the ones that make you angry that you paid money to see it, they make you physically ill to sit there and watch it, and they make you suicidal. You just want to end it however you can. These are not the movies that you didn't "get" or that were boring. Unless you felt the only way out was to kill yourself with your drink straw then it is just a bad movie, not the worst.

Counting down:

3. "Monster in Law" The only good part of this movie was Wanda Sykes character. I almost pissed myself when she said "I think you dislocated my vagina" after a fight over some gravy. The rest of the movie was total crap. The first half of the movie Jennifer Lopez is getting pushed around by Jane Fonda and it was just pathetic. The second half was a little better when J.lo was trying to get some revenge. That's why it is number 3, the second half was less crappy but still not good.

2. "Rumor Has It" This movie was annoying. It was the back story to the graduate. It was more predictable than... I don't know because nothing is this predictable. There is always the chance the sun won't come up tomorrow so I couldn't even use that cliche. I think that somewhere out there there is a giant cookie cutter that they just fire these movies off of. Let me tell you this one didn't even come close to breaking the mold. You could make more molds out of this one. Jennifer Aniston has sex with a guy that did her mom and her grandma AND could have been her dad. Who wants to have sex with her dad? I could hear the banjos in the background, well maybe it was just in my head. The only enjoyable moment was when her fiance finds her kissing the other guy. Finally some justice in this fucked up movie! O wait the spineless no balls dumbass takes her back. Awwww we have another sappy happy ending to another cookie cutter movie. What a surprise. He's gonna get a surprise when it starts burning when he pees. The other guy in this movie is a self confessed womanizer who did "tons" of drugs and is sterile so you know he doesn't use a condom. If you're going to cave in and take her back atleast send her to the free clinic. Jeezus this guys been fucking since the 60's and your fiance just did him. Ewww. Atleast it turns out that her real dad is responsible for this guy being sterile. Karma is a bitch.

1. "Down With Love" I don't even know where to being with this steaming pile of crap. Just don't see it. There's singing and a predictably sappy plot. I tried to kill myself with a straw during this movie. That promptly got me punched by Lindsay but unfortunately it wasn't hard enough because I was still conscious for the rest of the movie. This chick flick was so bad even she didn't like it. I was going to try to get my money back but she told me that I already made enough of a scene with my comments, complaints and the drinking straw incident that I couldn't make another one by yelling at the manager. There is no way they can give me back my two hours but a free movie or my four dollars back would have been nice. Can you even do that? I've never tried. By far this is the number one worst movie that I have seen. I'm sure it will be a long time before it gets bumped from top spot.

Lindsay's movie choosing privileges have been removed. I'm sure that sentence will get me in crap but I can't go to another one of these and walk away with my sanity. I just can't do it. There should be a disclaimer at the door of these movies.


WARNING
This movie is total and complete crap.
By entering this movie you have removed all liablility of the theater, its management, and anyone involved in creating, producing or distributing this movie.
You have been warned


I'm sure a number of lawsuits would follow but I know that I for one would appreciate a warning when choosing a movie. I realize that the title should have been enough warning but I'm going to start reading reviews before seeing anymore chick flicks. Please do not see any of these movies. If you have already seen them I feel your pain. No man should be subjected to these movies.

But incase you were ever wondering how many condoms you could wear at one time here is the answer.
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