Sunday, February 19, 2006

Time of death: 1:30 am

I had a simple dream, a movie made about the Doom video game franchise. That dream died last night when I almost couldn't bring myself to finish the movie "DOOM". I can't believe how disappointing that movie was. When I first heard about it I knew they were going to screw it up, I just knew it. I started reading reviews and hearing from others how bad it was so I waited and dragged my heels, not really wanting to see it but at the same time I knew I had to. Doom was a ground breaking video game, a great classic in electronic entertainment and now it has been dishonored.

Why do I care so much? I care becuase I love Doom. I've played hours upon hours of the first 2 games. (The third one was total crap. Way too over hyped for what it delivered.) We used to rush home after school to fire up the old 486 just to play the shareware version of the first game. I have so many great memories of playing it with friends and having competitions. I had a great time mopping the floor with the people at Heinze durring network play and I've even got it on my iBook. Yeah, its been ported to Mac and its still fun. The movie could have been so much better.

There are so many things wrong with this movie. First the story is totally wrong. Way off. Doom is based on the idea that demons have escaped hell and you alone are the only one that can stop them. How hard is that to get right? They could have had the Rock standing there shooting demons with the chaingun for 2 hours and I would have been happy, but no they couldn't even do that. Instead we get a movie that is based on the idea that people are being mutated by chromosomes found on mars and a squad of people are sent to stop it. A squad? Uh if I remember correctly the games weren't squad based. There were none of the right monsters, because the enemy was mutated humans and not demons like it should have been. I wanted to see an imp throw a fireball but nope I get flying tounge parasites. Yeah that's really f*#king close. Where were all the weapons?? Well there was 2 chaingun scenes and the Rock fired the BFG 2 or 3 times but it was disappointing. The original games were really trigger happy, you basically shot your way through and you had a whole aresenal at your disposal to do it. I loved splattering people with the rocket launcher or letting a stream of plasma fly but the movie couldn't even get the BFG right. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought the BFG fired a green energy ball in the games. In the movie its a blue ball of goo. WTF is going on here? Was this movie put together in China? Its close but so many details are off.

Like I said my dream was ruined. The movie should have been the Rock fighting his way out of hell against wave after wave of demons with many cool and crazy guns. Where was the rocket lancher in the movie? Where?! It should have been ultra gory which it wasn't. Most of all there should have been no story. The games were like porn, a little foreground and then you grab your gun and go at it. Who the hell cares if one of the soldiers' sister is on Mars and their parents were killed in an accident many years ago. I know I didn't, I was just waiting for the shooting to start. Instead I got some pervert grossly hitting on ever piece of ass on Mars. This was supposed to be Doom not Duke Nukem 3D.

By far the worst moment in this movie was when it went to a first person view. That is where I almost turned it off. Why would you do that? I realize that the game was a First Person Shooter. I played the whole game like that, this is a movie, maybe we could get some more production value here. Nope instead we got some dumbass running around looking at every reflective surface he can find. I guess they thought the audience needed reminding that the camera wasn't just floating around but that we were actually pretending to be one of the "actors". It started to feel like one of those 3D movies like "Spy Kids 3D", you know when they start finding every excuse to have something jump out at the audience. Yeah it was that cheesy.

I know this is a little late, most people have moved on but I had to get this off my chest. If you haven't seen the movie yet don't. If you've played Doom 3 then you've seen the movie as it was an exact copy of that game. Don't expect it to live up to the first 2 Doom games, it will let you down. Even if you haven't played any of the games and just want to see the Rock kick some ass... don't bother. Nothing good can come from this piece of shit. It feels like they played Doom 3 and thought hey this could make us even more money if we make a movie about it. Too bad they failed to notice that it isn't anything like the real Doom games. Maybe a sequal can save this but with the Rock dead and with no real action movie stars left I wouldn't count on it. Maybe if they pull Schwarzenegger out of the formaldihyde they could get something close to the caliber of "Alien" or "Predator". They weren't Academy award winners but alteast they got it right.
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